When MayKay told Pockets she loved singing he had her sign a contract on a piece of tissue in a bar which bound them together musically. - a contract, by definition, does not bind people together musically. It binds people together legally.
Pockets's parents were unhappy with their son's "disgusting" taste in music; he dropped out of his final year of study at Dublin City University and a potential career in journalism to pursue his musical career - not clear what these two halves of the sentence have to do with each other
The Irish Independent, on the other hand, "strongly urge[d] all not to waste their money" on "the woeful debut" of a band with "lots of blogger and media friends, all aurally challenged".[38] These blogger friends responded to the criticism of the band but Maykay remains unbothered by criticism as long as the album is simply being reviewed - these two sections come across as strongly biased in favor of the band - not mentioning how the "blogger friends" responded assumes that their response was adequate (it looks like the criticism was so personal there's not really any way to meaningfully respond to it anyway), and it isn't clear, to me at least, that the "blogger friends" who responded are the same people the Irish Independent is referring to. Maykay's response should be directly quoted probably - otherwise it looks we're taking her thoughts on others' professional criticism of her at face value. This section also doesn't make it clear if Maykay was responding to that one review, or all criticism (the RTE review, for example, comes after this, as though she was explicitly responding to the Irish Independent). Plus the word "criticism" is used twice in a few words, which is bad form.
"enabling the band to be booked for music festivals across Europe" - this implies that only people in the European Talent Exchange Programme are capable of being booked in festivals across Europe. Is this what you meant to imply?
he witnessed them "thrash about on their guitars and keyboards and wotnot like it's some kind of pop exorcism" and saw them "rolling around the empty dancefloor playflighting" - if the words "wotnot" and "playflighting" are actually used, there should probably be a sic added. If "playflighting" is a real word, it should be explained. These quotes also don't seem very informative or useful to me.
The band's influences..." none of these things are influences on music, at least not in the normal sense of the word. In what way is one of their songs substantially "influenced" by "anger" or "goblins"? If there's a direct quote from the band to support this, use the direct quote and cite claims to their sources.
(note: it now says "vociferate" instead of "scream") She's a vocalist, so it's not surprising that it vocalizes. I would say the sentence is meant to inform the reader that her style of singing is describable as screaming (or now, vociferating), but virtually the entire sentence is quotes from lyrics, which is irrelevant to her singing style. I would say the sentence is meant to inform the reader of her style of lyricism, but no description of that is given. So, ultimately, the sentence doesn't really mean very much (or maybe a better way to put it is that it is not very informative).
"Do You Karate?", "a thumping bass driven flourish of a song",[11] displays the band's "trademark twin-synth attack"[63] and the Pixies-style "Canhead" has been described as "a concise ode to fish and chips" - what does this have to do with the sentences before and after it?
In general, the article seems overdetailed. Why does it matter where the band discovered the film Future Force? Why does it matter that the festival had "large queues of DJs and journalists"? Why does it matter that the Irish Times list was later expanded? Who cares what the band thought of Groningen? (This last one is especially bad, because the article makes it seem like the band's feelings on Groningen are what qualified them for admission in the European Talent Exchange Programme) What does the sentence In an Uncensored Interview, they discussed items such as pop culture, wrestling and their song "I'm Beginning to Think You Prefer Beverly Hills 90210 to Me". have to do with anything? Why the focus on which places they performed in? The paragraph beginning The band's summer tour seems like nothing more than filler.
It looks quite a bit better, but I don't have time to do a more thorough re-review at the moment. I should be able to this weekend. Note I've left further clarification on one of the notes above. Tuf-Kat (talk) 03:26, 21 August 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Just noting (since the weekend is over globally now I think) that I may not be online at some point for a few days so would be unable to check this as I have been doing until I return. --candle•wicke12:22, 24 August 2009 (UTC)[reply]
