The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Beaux-Stratagem, by George Farquhar This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org Title: The Beaux-Stratagem Author: George Farquhar Release Date: May 5, 2007 [EBook #21334] Last Updated: January 26, 2013 Language: English Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 *** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE BEAUX-STRATAGEM *** Produced by David Widger
[iv] 'He was a delightful writer, and one to whom
I should sooner recur for relaxation and
entertainment and without after-cloying and disgust,
than any of the school of which he may be said
to have been the last The Beaux-Stratagem
reads quite as well as it acts: it has life,
movement, wit, humour, sweet nature and sweet
temper from beginning to end.'
CHARLES COWDEN CLARKE
TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE: The page numbers in the left margin are linked to the original page images which can be viewed by clicking on any of the page numbers. The page images may also be seen by opening the pgimages/ subdirectory in the 21334-h/ directory. DW |
But you look so bright,
And are dress'd so tight,
That a man would swear you 're right,
As arm was e'er laid over. [390]
Such an air
You freely wear
To ensnare,
As makes each guest a lover!
Since then, my dear, I 'm your guest,
Prithee give me of the best
Of what is ready drest:
Since then, my dear, etc.
Cher. [Aside.] What can I think of this man?—[Aloud.]
Will you give me that song, sir? [400]
Arch. Ay, my dear, take it while 'tis warm.—[Kisses
her.] Death and fire! her lips are honeycombs.
Cher. And I wish there had been bees too, to have stung you
for your impudence.
Arch. There 's a swarm of Cupids, my little Venus, that has
done the business much better.
Cher. [Aside.] This fellow is misbegotten as
well as I.— [Aloud.] What's your name, sir?
Arch. [Aside.] Name! egad, I have forgot it.—[Aloud.]
Oh! Martin. [410]
Cher. Where were you born?
[21]Arch.
In St Martin's parish.
Cher. What was your father?
Arch. St. Martin's parish.
Cher. Then, friend, good-night
Arch. I hope not.
Cher. You may depend upon't
Arch. Upon what?
Cher. That you're very impudent.
Arch. That you 're very handsome. [420]
Cher. That you're a footman.
Arch. That you're an angel.
Cher. I shall be rude.
Arch. So shall I.
Cher. Let go my hand.
Arch. Give me a kiss. [Kisses her.
[Call without.] Cherry! Cherry!
Cher. I'm—my father calls; you plaguy devil, how durst
you stop my breath so? Offer to follow me one step, if you dare. [Exit.
Arch. A fair challenge, by this light! this is a pretty fair
opening of an adventure; but we are knight-errants, and so Fortune be our
guide. [Exit.
The nymph that with her twice ten hundred pounds, With brazen engine hot, and quoif clear-starched, Can fire the guest in warming of the bed——There's a touch of sublime Milton for you, and the subject but an innkeeper's daughter! I can play with a girl as an angler does with his fish; he keeps it at the end of his line, runs it up the stream, and down the stream, till at last he brings it to hand, tickles the trout, and so whips it into his basket. [46]Enter Boniface. Bon. Mr. Martin, as the saying is—yonder's an honest fellow below, my Lady Bountiful's butler, who begs the honour that you would go home with him and see his cellar. Arch. Do my baise-mains to the gentleman, and tell him I will do myself the honour to wait on him immediately. [Exit Boniface. Aim. What do I hear? [40] Soft Orpheus play, and fair Toftida sing! Arch. Psha! damn your raptures; I tell you, here's a pump going to be put into the vessel, and the ship will get into harbour, my life on't. You say, there's another lady very handsome there? Aim. Yes, faith. Arch. I 'm in love with her already. Aim. Can't you give me a bill upon Cherry in the meantime? Arch. No, no, friend, all her corn, wine and oil, is ingrossed to my market. And once more I warn you, to keep your anchorage clear of mine; for if you fall foul of me, by this light you shall go to the bottom! What! make prize of my little frigate, while I am upon the cruise for you!—— Aim. Well, well, I won't. [Exit Archer. [47]Re-enter Boniface. Landlord, have you any tolerable company in the house, I don't care for dining alone? Bon. Yes, sir, there's a captain below, as the saying is, that arrived about an hour ago. [60] Aim. Gentlemen of his coat are welcome everywhere; will you make him a compliment from me and tell him I should be glad of his company? Bon. Who shall I tell him, sir, would— Aim. [Aside.] Ha! that stroke was well thrown in!— [Aloud.] I'm only a traveller, like himself, and would be glad of his company, that's all. Bon. I obey your commands, as the saying is. [Exit. Re-enter Archer. Arch. 'Sdeath I I had forgot; what title will you give yourself? [70] Aim. My brother's, to be sure; he would never give me anything else, so I'll make bold with his honour this bout:—you know the rest of your cue. Arch. Ay, ay. [Exit. Enter Gibbet. Gib. Sir, I 'm yours. Aim. 'Tis more than I deserve, sir, for I don't know you. [48]Gib. I don't wonder at that, sir, for you never saw me before—[Aside] I hope. Aim. And pray, sir, how came I by the honour of seeing you now? [81] Gib. Sir, I scorn to intrude upon any gentleman—but my landlord— Aim. O sir, I ask your pardon, you 're the captain he told me of? Gib. At your service, sir. Aim. What regiment, may I be so bold? Gib. A marching regiment, sir, an old corps. Aim. [Aside.] Very old, if your coat be regimental— [Aloud.] You have served abroad, sir? [90] Gib. Yes, sir—in the plantations, 'twas my lot to be sent into the worst service; I would have quitted it indeed, but a man of honour, you know—Besides, 'twas for the good of my country that I should be abroad:—anything for the good of one's country— I'm a Roman for that. Aim. [Aside.] One of the first; I 'll lay my life. [Aloud.] You found the West Indies very hot, sir? Gib. Ay, sir, too hot for me. Aim. Pray, sir, han't I seen your face at Will's coffee-house? [101] Gib. Yes, sir, and at White's too. Aim. And where is your company now, captain? Gib. They an't come yet. Aim. Why, d' ye expect 'em here? [49]Gib. They 'll be here to-night, sir. Aim. Which way do they march? Gib. Across the country.—[Aside.] The devil's in 't, if I han't said enough to encourage him to declare! But I'm afraid he's not right; I must tack about [111] Aim. Is your company to quarter in Lichfield? Gib. In this house, sir. Aim. What! all? Gib. My company's but thin, ha! ha! ha! we are but three, ha! ha! ha! Aim. You're merry, sir. Gib. Ay, sir, you must excuse me, sir; I understand the world, especially the art of travelling: I don't care, sir, for answering questions directly upon the road— for I generally ride with a charge about me. [121] Aim. Three or four, I believe. [Aside. Gib. I am credibly informed that there are highwaymen upon this quarter; not, sir, that I could suspect a gentleman of your figure—but truly, sir, I have got such a way of evasion upon the road, that I don't care for speaking truth to any man. Aim. [Aside.] Your caution may be necessary.—[Aloud.] Then I presume you're no captain? [129] Gib. Not I, sir; captain is a good travelling name, and so I take it; it stops a great many foolish inquiries that are generally made about gentlemen that travel, it gives a man an air of something, and makes the [50]drawers obedient:—and thus far I am a captain, and no farther. Aim. And pray, sir, what is your true profession? Gib. O sir, you must excuse me!—upon my word, sir, I don't think it safe to tell ye. Aim. Ha! ha! ha! upon my word I commend you. Re-enter Boniface. Well, Mr. Boniface, what's the news? [140] Bon. There's another gentleman below, as the saying is, that hearing you were but two, would be glad to make the third man, if you would give him leave. Aim. What is he? Bon. A clergyman, as the saying is. Aim. A clergyman! is he really a clergyman? or is it only his travelling name, as my friend the captain has it? Bon. O sir, he's a priest, and chaplain to the French officers in town. [150] Aim. Is he a Frenchman? Bon. Yes, sir, born at Brussels. Gib. A Frenchman, and a priest! I won't be seen in his company, sir; I have a value for my reputation, sir. Aim. Nay, but, captain, since we are by ourselves—can he speak English, landlord? Bon. Very well, sir; you may know him, as the saying is, to be a foreigner by his accent, and that's all. Aim. Then he has been in England before? [51]Bon. Never, sir; but he's a master of languages, as the saying is; he talks Latin—it does me good to hear him talk Latin. [162] Aim. Then you understand Latin, Mr Boniface? Bon. Not I, sir, as the saying is; but he talks it so very fast, that I 'm sure it must be good. Aim. Pray, desire him to walk up. Bon. Here he is, as the saying is. Enter Foigard. Foi. Save you, gentlemens, bote. Aim. [Aside.] A Frenchman!—[To Foigard.] Sir, your most humble servant. [170] Foi. Och, dear joy, I am your most faithful shervant, and yours alsho. Gib. Doctor, you talk very good English, but you have a mighty twang of the foreigner. Foi. My English is very veil for the vords, but we foreigners, you know, cannot bring our tongues about the pronunciation so soon. Aim. [Aside.] A foreigner! a downright Teague, by this light!—[Aloud.] Were you born in France, doctor? [180] Foi. I was educated in France, but I was borned at Brussels; I am a subject of the King of Spain, joy. Gib. What King of Spain, sir? speak! Foi. Upon my shoul, joy, I cannot tell you as yet. [52]Aim. Nay, captain, that was too hard upon the doctor; he's a stranger. Foi. Oh, let him alone, dear joy; I am of a nation that is not easily put out of countenance. Aim. Come, gentlemen, I 'll end the dispute.—Here, landlord, is dinner ready? [190] Bon. Upon the table, as the saying is. Aim. Gentlemen—pray—that door— Foi. No, no, fait, the captain must lead. Aim. No, doctor, the church is our guide. Gib. Ay, ay, so it is. [Exit Foigard foremost, the others following.
A trifling song you shall hear, Begun with a trifle and ended: All trifling people draw near, And I shall be nobly attended. [61] Were it not for trifles, a few, That lately have come into play; The men would want something to do, And the women want something to say. What makes men trifle in dressing? [235] Because the ladies (they know) Admire, by often possessing, That eminent trifle, a beau. When the lover his moments has trifled, The trifle of trifles to gain: No sooner the virgin is rifled, But a trifle shall part 'em again. What mortal man would be able At White's half an hour to sit? Or who could bear a tea-table, [240] Without talking of trifles for wit? The court is from trifles secure, Gold keys are no trifles, we see: White rods are no trifles, I 'm sure, Whatever their bearers may be. But if you will go to the place, Where trifles abundantly breed, The levee will show you His Grace Makes promises trifles indeed. A coach with six footmen behind, [250] I count neither trifle nor sin: But, ye gods! how oft do we find A scandalous trifle within. [62] A flask of champagne, people think it A trifle, or something as bad: But if you 'll contrive how to drink it; You 'll find it no trifle, egad! A parson's a trifle at sea, A widow's a trifle in sorrow: A peace is a trifle to-day, [260] Who knows what may happen to-morrow! A black coat a trifle may cloke, Or to hide it, the red may endeavour: But if once the army is broke, We shall have more trifles than ever. The stage is a trifle, they say, The reason, pray carry along, Because at every new play, The house they with trifles so throng. But with people's malice to trifle, [270] And to set us all on a foot: The author of this is a trifle, And his song is a trifle to boot.Mrs. Sul. Very well, sir, we 're obliged to you.— Something for a pair of gloves. [Offering him money. Arch. I humbly beg leave to be excused: my master, madam, pays me; nor dare I take money from any other hand, without injuring his honour, and disobeying his commands. [Exit Archer and Scrub. Dor. This is surprising! Did you ever see so pretty a well-bred fellow? [281] [63]Mrs. Sul. The devil take him for wearing that livery! Dor. I fancy, sister, he may be some gentleman, a friend of my lord's, that his lordship has pitched upon for his courage, fidelity, and discretion, to bear him company in this dress, and who ten to one was his second too. Mrs. Sul. It is so, it must be so, and it shall be so!— for I like him. Dor. What! better than the Count? [290] Mrs. Sul. The Count happened to be the most agreeable man upon the place; and so I chose him to serve me in my design upon my husband. But I should like this fellow better in a design upon myself. Dor. But now, sister, for an interview with this lord and this gentleman; how shall we bring that about? Mrs. Sul. Patience! you country ladies give no quarter if once you be entered. Would you prevent their desires, and give the fellows no wishing-time? Look'ee, Dorinda, if my Lord Aimwell loves you or deserves you, he'll find a way to see you, and there we must leave it. My business comes now upon the tapis. Have you prepared your brother? [303] Dor. Yes, yes. Mrs. Sul. And how did he relish it? Dor. He said little, mumbled something to himself, promised to be guided by me—but here he comes. [64]Enter Squire Sullen. Squire Sul. What singing was that I heard just now? Mrs. Sul. The singing in your head, my dear; you complained of it all day. [310] Squire Sul. You're impertinent Mrs. Sul. I was ever so, since I became one flesh with you. Squire Sul. One flesh! rather two carcasses joined unnaturally together. Mrs. Sul. Or rather a living soul coupled to a dead body. Dor. So, this is fine encouragement for me! Squire Sul. Yes, my wife shows you what you must do. Mrs. Sul. And my husband shows you what you must suffer. [321] Squire Sul. 'Sdeath, why can't you be silent? Mrs. Sul. 'Sdeath, why can't you talk? Squire Sul. Do you talk to any purpose? Mrs. Sul. Do you think to any purpose? Squire Sul. Sister, hark'ee I—[Whispers.] I shan't be home till it be late. [Exit. Mrs. Sul. What did he whisper to ye? [328] Dor. That he would go round the back way, come into the closet, and listen as I directed him. But let me beg you once more, dear sister, to drop this project; for as I told you before, instead of awaking him to kindness, you may provoke him to a rage; [65]and then who knows how far his brutality may carry him? Mrs. Sul. I 'm provided to receive him, I warrant you. But here comes the Count: vanish! [Exit Dorinda. Enter Count Bellair. Don't you wonder, Monsieur le Count, that I was not at church this afternoon? [339] Count Bel. I more wonder, madam, that you go dere at all, or how you dare to lift those eyes to heaven that are guilty of so much killing. Mrs. Sul. If Heaven, sir, has given to my eyes with the power of killing the virtue of making a cure, I hope the one may atone for the other. Count Bel. Oh, largely, madam, would your ladyship be as ready to apply the remedy as to give the wound. Consider, madam, I am doubly a prisoner; first to the arms of your general, then to your more conquering eyes. My first chains are easy—there a ransom may redeem me; but from your fetters I never shall get free. [352] Mrs. Sul. Alas, sir! why should you complain to me of your captivity, who am in chains myself? You know, sir, that I am bound, nay, must be tied up in that particular that might give you ease: I am like you, a prisoner of war—of war, indeed—I have given my parole of honour! would you break yours to gain your liberty? [359] [66]Count Bel. Most certainly I would, were I a prisoner among the Turks; dis is your case, you 're a slave, madam, slave to the worst of Turks, a husband. Mrs. Sul. There lies my foible, I confess; no fortifications, no courage, conduct, nor vigilancy, can pretend to defend a place where the cruelty of the governor forces the garrison to mutiny. Count Bel. And where de besieger is resolved to die before de place.—Here will I fix [Kneels];—with tears, vows, and prayers assault your heart and never rise till you surrender; or if I must storm— Love and St. Michael!—And so I begin the attack. [372] Mrs. Sul. Stand off!—[Aside.] Sure he hears me not! —And I could almost wish—he did not!—The fellow makes love very prettily.—[Aloud.] But, sir, why should you put such a value upon my person, when you see it despised by one that knows it so much better? Count Bel. He knows it not, though he possesses it; if he but knew the value of the jewel he is master of he would always wear it next his heart, and sleep with it in his arms. [382] Mrs. Sul. But since he throws me unregarded from him— Count Bel. And one that knows your value well comes by and takes you up, is it not justice? [Goes to lay hold of her. [67]Enter Squire Sullen with his sword drawn. Squire Sul. Hold, villain, hold! Mrs. Sul. [Presenting a pistol.] Do you hold! Squire Sul. What! murder your husband, to defend your bully! [390] Mrs. Sul. Bully! for shame, Mr. Sullen, bullies wear long swords, the gentleman has none; he's a prisoner, you know. I was aware of your outrage, and prepared this to receive your violence; and, if occasion were, to preserve myself against the force of this other gentleman. Count Bel. O madam, your eyes be bettre firearms than your pistol; they nevre miss. Squire Sul. What! court my wife to my face! Mrs. Sul. Pray, Mr. Sullen, put up; suspend your fury for a minute. [401] Squire Sul. To give you time to invent an excuse! Mrs. Sul. I need none. Squire Sul. No, for I heard every syllable of your discourse. Count Bel. Ah! and begar, I tink the dialogue was vera pretty. Mrs. Sul. Then I suppose, sir, you heard something of your own barbarity? Squire Sul. Barbarity! 'oons, what does the woman call barbarity? Do I ever meddle with you? [411] Mrs. Sul. No. [68]Squire Sul. As for you, sir, I shall take another time. Count Bel. Ah, begar, and so must I. Squire Sul. Look'ee, madam, don't think that my anger proceeds from any concern I have for your honour, but for my own, and if you can contrive any way of being a whore without making me a cuckold, do it and welcome. [419] Mrs. Sul. Sir, I thank you kindly, you would allow me the sin but rob me of the pleasure. No, no, I 'm resolved never to venture upon the crime without the satisfaction of seeing you punished for't. Squire Sul. Then will you grant me this, my dear? Let anybody else do you the favour but that Frenchman, for I mortally hate his whole generation. [Exit. Count Bel. Ah, sir, that be ungrateful, for begar, I love some of yours.—Madam——— [Approaching her. Mrs. Sul. No, sir. [429] Count Bel. No, sir! garzoon, madam, I am not your husband. Mrs. Sul. 'Tis time to undeceive you, sir. I believed your addresses to me were no more than an amusement, and I hope you will think the same of my complaisance; and to convince you that you ought, you must know that I brought you hither only to make you instrumental in setting me right with my husband, for he was planted to listen by my appointment. [69]Count Bel. By your appointment? [440] Mrs. Sul. Certainly. Count Bel. And so, madam, while I was telling twenty stories to part you from your husband, begar, I was bringing you together all the while? Mrs. Sul. I ask your pardon, sir, but I hope this will give you a taste of the virtue of the English ladies. Count Bel. Begar, madam, your virtue be vera great, but garzoon, your honeste be vera little. Re-enter Dorinda. Mrs. Sul. Nay, now, you 're angry, sir. [449] Count Bel. Angry!—Fair Dorinda [Sings 'Fair Dorinda,' the opera tune, and addresses Dorinda.] Madam, when your ladyship want a fool, send for me. Fair Dorinda, Revenge, etc, [Exit singing. Mrs. Sul. There goes the true humour of his nation— resentment with good manners, and the height of anger in a song! Well, sister, you must be judge, for you have heard the trial. Dor. And I bring in my brother guilty. Mrs. Sul. But I must bear the punishment. Tis hard, sister. [460] Dor. I own it; but you must have patience. Mrs. Sul. Patience! the cant of custom—Providence sends no evil without a remedy. Should I lie groaning under a yoke I can shake off, I were [70]accessory to my ruin, and my patience were no better than self-murder. Dor. But how can you shake off the yoke? your divisions don't come within the reach of the law for a divorce. Mrs. Sul. Law! what law can search into the remote abyss of nature? what evidence can prove the unaccountable disaffections of wedlock? Can a jury sum up the endless aversions that are rooted in our souls, or can a bench give judgment upon antipathies? [474] Dor. They never pretended, sister; they never meddle, but in case of uncleanness. Mrs. Sul. Uncleanness! O sister! casual violation is a transient injury, and may possibly be repaired, but can radical hatreds be ever reconciled? No, no, sister, nature is the first lawgiver, and when she has set tempers opposite, not all the golden links of wedlock nor iron manacles of law can keep 'em fast.
Wedlock we own ordain'd by Heaven's decree, But such as Heaven ordain'd it first to be;— Concurring tempers in the man and wife As mutual helps to draw the load of life. View all the works of Providence above, The stars with harmony and concord move; View all the works of Providence below, [490] The fire, the water, earth and air, we know, All in one plant agree to make it grow. [71] Must man, the chiefest work of art divine, Be doom'd in endless discord to repine? No, we should injure Heaven by that surmise, Omnipotence is just, were man but wise.[Exeunt.
[Exit with Archer.Dor. O sister, my heart flutters about strangely! I can hardly forbear running to his assistance. [107] Mrs. Sul. And I 'll lay my life he deserves your assistance more than he wants it. Did not I tell you that my lord would find a way to come at you? Love's his distemper, and you must be the physician; put on all your charms, summon all your fire into your eyes, plant the whole artillery of your looks against his breast, and down with him. Dor. O sister! I 'm but a young gunner; I shall be afraid to shoot, for fear the piece should recoil, and hurt myself. Mrs. Sul. Never fear, you shall see me shoot before you, if you will. [119] Dor. No, no, dear sister; you have missed your mark so unfortunately, that I shan't care for being instructed by you. [77]Enter Aimwell in a chair carried by Archer and Scrubs and counterfeiting a swoon; Lady Bountiful and Gipsy following. Lady Boun. Here, here, let's see the hartshorn drops.— Gipsy, a glass of fair water! His fit's very strong. —Bless me, how his hands are clinched! Arch. For shame, ladies, what d' ye do? why don't you help us?—[To Dorinda.] Pray, madam, take his hand, and open it, if you can, whilst I hold his head. [Dorinda takes his hand. Dor. Poor gentleman!—Oh!—he has got my hand within his, and squeezes it unmercifully— [130] Lady Boun. 'Tis the violence of his convulsion, child. Arch. Oh, madam, he's perfectly possessed in these cases—he'll bite if you don't have a care. Dor. Oh, my hand! my hand! Lady Boun. What's the matter with the foolish girl? I have got his hand open, you see, with a great deal of ease. Arch. Ay, but, madam, your daughter's hand is somewhat warmer than your ladyship's, and the heat of it draws the force of the spirits that way. [140] Mrs. Sul. I find, friend, you're very learned in these sorts of fits. Arch. Tis no wonder, madam, for I 'm often troubled with them myself; I find myself extremely ill at this minute. [Looking hard at Mrs. Sullen. [78]Mrs. Sul. I fancy I could find a way to cure you. [Aside. Lady Boun. His fit holds him very long. Arch. Longer than usual, madam.—Pray, young lady, open his breast and give him air. Lady Boun. Where did his illness take him first, pray? Arch. To-day at church, madam. [151] Lady Boun. In what manner was he taken? Arch. Very strangely, my lady. He was of a sudden touched with something in his eyes, which, at the first, he only felt, but could not tell whether 'twas pain or pleasure. Lady Boun. Wind, nothing but wind! Arch. By soft degrees it grew and mounted to his brain, there his fancy caught it; there formed it so beautiful, and dressed it up in such gay, pleasing colours, that his transported appetite seized the fair idea, and straight conveyed it to his heart That hospitable seat of life sent all its sanguine spirits forth to meet, and opened all its sluicy gates to take the stranger in. Lady Boun. Your master should never go without a bottle to smell to.—Oh—he recovers! The lavender-water—some feathers to burn under his nose— Hungary water to rub his temples.—Oh, he comes to himself!—Hem a little, sir, hem.—Gipsy! bring the cordial-water. [171] [Aimwell seems to awake in amaze. Dor. How d' ye, sir? [79]Aim. Where am I? [Rising.
Sure I have pass'd the gulf of silent death, And now I land on the Elysian shore!— Behold the goddess of those happy plains, Fair Proserpine—let me adore thy bright divinity.[Kneels to Dorinda, and kisses her hand. Mrs. Sul. So, so, so! I knew where the fit would end! Aim. Eurydice perhaps—
How could thy Orpheus keep his word, [180]
And not look back upon thee?
No treasure but thyself could sure have bribed him
To look one minute off thee.
Lady Boun. Delirious, poor gentleman!
Arch. Very delirious, madam, very delirious.
Aim. Martin's voice, I think.
Arch. Yes, my Lord.—How does your lordship?
Lady Boun. Lord! did you mind that, girls?
[A side to Mrs. Sullen and Dorinda.
Aim. Where am I? [189]
Arch. In very good hands, sir. You were taken just now with
one of your old fits, under the trees, just by this good lady's house; her
ladyship had you taken in, and has miraculously brought you to yourself,
as you see.
Aim. I am so confounded with shame, madam, that I can now
only beg pardon; and refer my acknowledgments for your ladyship's care
till an opportunity offers of making some amends. I dare be no [80]longer
troublesome.—Martin! give two guineas to the servants. [Going.
Dor. Sir, you may catch cold by going so soon into the air;
you don't look, sir, as if you were perfectly recovered. [203]
[Here Archer talks to Lady Bountiful in dumb show.
Aim. That I shall never be, madam; my present illness is so
rooted that I must expect to carry it to my grave.
Mrs. Sul. Don't despair, sir; I have known several in your
distemper shake it off with a fortnight's physic. [209]
Lady Boun. Come, sir, your servant has been telling me that
you're apt to relapse if you go into the air: your good manners shan't get
the better of ours— you shall sit down again, sir. Come, sir, we
don't mind ceremonies in the country—here, sir, my service t'ye.—You
shall taste my water; 'tis a cordial I can assure you, and of my own
making— drink it off, sir.—[Aimwell drinks.] And
how d'ye find yourself now, sir?
Aim. Somewhat better—though very faint still. [219]
Lady Boun. Ay, ay, people are always faint after these fits.—Come,
girls, you shall show the gentleman the house.—'Tis but an old
family building, sir; but you had better walk about, and cool by degrees,
than venture immediately into the air. You 'll find some tolerable
pictures.—Dorinda, show the gentleman [81]the way. I must go to the poor
woman below. [Exit.
Dor. This way, sir.
Aim. Ladies, shall I beg leave for my servant to wait on
you, for he understands pictures very well? [231]
Mrs. Sul. Sir, we understand originals as well as he does
pictures, so he may come along.
[Exeunt all but Scrub, Aimwell leading Dorinda. Enter Foigard.
Foi. Save you, Master Scrub!
Scrub. Sir, I won't be saved your way—I hate a priest,
I abhor the French, and I defy the devil. Sir, I 'm a bold Briton, and
will spill the last drop of my blood to keep out popery and slavery.
Foi. Master Scrub, you would put me down in politics, and so
I would be speaking with Mrs. Shipsy. [240]
Scrub. Good Mr. Priest, you can't speak with her; she's
sick, sir, she's gone abroad, sir, she's—dead two months ago, sir.
Re-enter Gipsy.
Gip. How now, impudence! how dare you talk so saucily to the
doctor?—Pray, sir, don't take it ill; for the common people of
England are not so civil to strangers, as—
Scrub. You lie! you lie! 'tis the common people that are
civilest to strangers.
[82]Gip.
Sirrah, I have a good mind to—get you out I say.
Scrub. I won't. . [251]
Gip. You won't, sauce-box!—Pray, doctor, what, is the
captain's name that came to your inn last night?
Scrub. [Aside.] The captain! ah, the devil, there she
hampers me again; the captain has me on one side, and the priest on t'
other: so between the gown and the sword, I have a fine time on't.—But,
Cedunt arma toga. [Going.
Gip. What, sirrah, won't you march?
Scrub. No, my dear, I won't march—but I'll walk.—
[Aside.] And I 'll make bold to listen a little too.
[Goes behind the side-scene and listens.
Gip. Indeed, doctor, the Count has been barbarously treated,
that's the truth on't. [263]
Foi. Ah, Mrs. Gipsy, upon my shoul, now, gra, his
complainings would mollify the marrow in your bones, and move the bowels
of your commiseration! He veeps, and he dances, and he fistles, and he
swears, and he laughs, and he stamps, and he sings; in conclusion, joy,
he's afflicted à-la-Française, and a stranger would not know
whider to cry or to laugh with him. [271]
Gip. What would you have me do, doctor?
Foi. Noting, joy, but only hide the Count in Mrs. Sullen's
closet when it is dark.
Gip. Nothing! is that nothing? it would be both a sin and a
shame, doctor.
[83]Foi.
Here is twenty louis-d'ors, joy, for your shame and I will give you an
absolution for the shin.
Gip. Sut won't that money look like a bribe? [279]
Foi. Dat is according as you shall tauk it. If you receive
the money beforehand, 'twill be logicè, a bribe; but if you
stay till afterwards, 'twill be only a gratification.
Gip. Well, doctor, I 'll take it logicè But
what must I do with my conscience, sir?
Foi. Leave dat wid me, joy; I am your priest, gra; and your
conscience is under my hands.
Gip. But should I put the Count into the closet—
Foi. Vel, is dere any shin for a man's being in a closhet?
one may go to prayers in a closhet. [290]
Gip. But if the lady should come into her chamber, and go to
bed?
Foi. Vel, and is dere any shin in going to bed, joy?
Gip. Ay, but if the parties should meet, doctor?
Foi. Vel den—the parties must be responsible. Do you
be gone after putting the Count into the closhet; and leave the shins wid
themselves. I will come with the Count to instruct you in your chamber.
[299]
Gip. Well, doctor, your religion is so pure! Methinks I'm so
easy after an absolution, and can sin afresh with so much security, that I
'm resolved to die a martyr to't Here's the key of the garden door, come
in the back way when 'tis late, I 'll be ready to [84]receive you; but don't so much as
whisper, only take hold of my hand; I 'll lead you, and do you lead the
Count, and follow me. [Exeunt.
Scrub. [Coming forward.] What witchcraft now
have these two imps of the devil been a-hatching here? 'There 's twenty
louis-d'ors'; I heard that, and saw the purse.—But I must give room
to my betters.
[Exit.
Re-enter Aimwell, leading Dorinda, and making love in dumb show;
Mrs. Sullen and Archer following.
Mrs. Sul. [To Archer.] Pray, sir, how d'ye
like that piece? [313]
Arch. Oh, 'tis Leda! You find, madam, how Jupiter comes
disguised to make love—
Mrs. Sul. But what think you there of Alexander's battles?
Arch. We only want a Le Brun, madam, to draw greater
battles, and a greater general of our own. The Danube, madam, would make a
greater figure in a picture than the Granicus; and we have our Ramillies
to match their Arbela. [322]
Mrs. Sul. Pray, sir, what head is that in the corner there?
Arch. O madam, 'tis poor Ovid in his exile.
Mrs. Sul. What was he banished for?
Arch. His ambitious love, madam.—[Bowing.]
His misfortune touches me.
[85]Mrs.
Sul. Was he successful in his amours?
Arch. There he has left us in, the dark. He was too much a
gentleman to tell. [331]
Mrs. Sul. If he were secret, I pity him.
Arch. And if he were successful, I envy him.
Mrs. Sul. How d 'ye like that Venus over the chimney?
Arch. Venus! I protest, madam, I took it for your picture;
but now I look again, 'tis not handsome enough.
Mrs. Sul. Oh, what a charm is flattery! If you would see my
picture, there it is over that cabinet. How d' ye like it? [340]
Arch. I must admire anything, madam, that has the least
resemblance of you. But, methinks, madam —[He looks at the
picture and Mrs. Sullen three or four times, by turns.] Pray,
madam, who drew it?
Mrs. Sul. A famous hand, sir.
[Here Aimwell and Dorinda go off.
Arch. A famous hand, madam!—Your eyes, indeed, are
featured there; but where's the sparking moisture, shining fluid, in which
they swim? The picture, indeed, has your dimples; but where's the swarm of
killing Cupids that should ambush there? The lips too are figured out; but
where's the carnation dew, the pouting ripeness that tempts the taste in
the original? [353]
Mrs. Sul. Had it been my lot to have matched with such a
man! [Aside.
[86]Arch.
Your breasts too—presumptuous man! what, paint Heaven!—Apropos,
madam, in the very next picture is Salmoneus, that was struck dead with
lightning, for offering to imitate Jove's thunder; I hope you served the
painter so, madam? [360]
Mrs. Sul. Had my eyes the power of thunder, they should
employ their lightning better.
Arch. There's the finest bed in that room, madam! I suppose
'tis your ladyship's bedchamber.
Mrs. Sul. And what then, sir?
Arch. I think the quilt is the richest that ever I saw. I
can't at this distance, madam, distinguish the figures of the embroidery;
will you give me leave, madam? [369]
Mrs. Sul. [Aside.] The devil take his
impudence!— Sure, if I gave him an opportunity, he durst not offer
it?—I have a great mind to try.—[Going: Returns.]
'Sdeath, what am I doing?—And alone, too!—Sister! sister! [Runs
out.
Arch. I 'll follow her close—
For where a Frenchman durst attempt to storm, A Briton sure may well the
work perform. [Going.
Re-enter Scrub.
Scrub. Martin! brother Martin! [378]
Arch. O brother Scrub, I beg your pardon, I was not a-going:
here's a guinea my master ordered you.
Scrub. A guinea! hi! hi! hi! a guinea! eh—by[87]this light it
is a guinea! But I suppose you expect one-and-twenty shillings in change?
Arch. Not at all; I have another for Gipsy.
Scrub. A guinea for her! faggot and fire for the witch! Sir,
give me that guinea, and I 'll discover a plot.
Arch. A plot!
Scrub. Ay, sir, a plot, and a horrid plot! First, it must be
a plot, because there's a woman in't: secondly, it must be a plot, because
there's a priest in't: thirdly, it must be a plot, because there 's French
gold in't: and fourthly, it must be a plot, because I don't know what to
make on't. [393]
Arch. Nor anybody else, I 'm afraid, brother Scrub.
Scrub. Truly, I 'm afraid so too; for where there's a priest
and a woman, there's always a mystery and a riddle. This I know, that here
has been the doctor with a temptation in one hand and an absolution in the
other, and Gipsy has sold herself to the devil; I saw the price paid down,
my eyes shall take their oath on't. [401]
Arch. And is all this bustle about Gipsy?
Scrub. That's not all; I could hear but a word here and
there; but I remember they mentioned a Count, a closet, a back-door, and a
key.
Arch. The Count!—Did you hear nothing of Mrs. Sullen?
Scrub. I did hear some word that sounded that way; but
whether it was Sullen or Dorinda, I could not distinguish. [409]
[88]Arch.
You have told this matter to nobody, brother?
Scrub. Told! no, sir, I thank you for that; I 'm resolved
never to speak one word pro nor con, till we
have a peace.
Arch. You're i' the right, brother Scrub. Here's a treaty
afoot between the Count and the lady: the priest and the chambermaid are
the plenipotentiaries. It shall go hard but I find a way to be included in
the treaty.—Where 's the doctor now?
Scrub. He and Gipsy are this moment devouring my lady's
marmalade in the closet. [420]
Aim. [From without.] Martin! Martin!
Arch. I come, sir, I come.
Scrub. But you forget the other guinea, brother Martin.
Arch. Here, I give it with all my heart.
Scrub. And I take it with all my soul.—[Exit
Archer.] Ecod, I 'll spoil your plotting, Mrs. Gipsy! and if you
should set the captain upon me, these two guineas will buy me off. [Exit.
Re-enter Mrs. Sullen and Dorinda, meeting.
Mrs. Sul. Well, sister!
Dor. And well, sister! [430]
Mrs. Sul. What's become of my lord?
Dor. What's become of his servant?
Mrs. Sul. Servant! he's a prettier fellow, and a finer
gentleman by fifty degrees, than his master.
Dor. O' my conscience, I fancy you could beg that fellow at
the gallows-foot!
[89]Mrs.
Sul. O' my conscience I could, provided I could put a friend of
yours in his room.
Dor. You desired me, sister, to leave you, when you
transgressed the bounds of honour. [440]
Mrs. Sul. Thou dear censorious country girl! what dost mean?
You can't think of the man without the bedfellow, I find.
Dor. I don't find anything unnatural in that thought: while
the mind is conversant with flesh and blood, it must conform to the
humours of the company.
Mrs. Sul. How a little love and good company improves a
woman! Why, child, you begin to live— you never spoke before. [449]
Dor. Because I was never spoke to.—My lord has told me
that I have more wit and beauty than any of my sex; and truly I begin to
think the man is sincere.
Mrs. Sul. You're in the right, Dorinda; pride is the life of
a woman, and flattery is our daily bread; and she's a fool that won't
believe a man there, as much as she that believes him in anything else.
But I 'll lay you a guinea that I had finer things said to me than you
had.
Dor. Done! What did your fellow say to ye? [460]
Mrs. Sul. My fellow took the picture of Venus for mine.
Dor. But my lover took me for Venus herself.
[90]Mrs.
Sul. Common cant! Had my spark called me a Venus directly, I
should have believed him a footman in good earnest.
Dor. But my lover was upon his knees to me.
Mrs. Sul. And mine was upon his tiptoes to me.
Dor. Mine vowed to die for me. [468]
Mrs. Sul. Mine swore to die with me.
Dor. Mine spoke the softest moving things.
Mrs. Sul. Mine had his moving things too.
Dor. Mine kissed my hand ten thousand times,
Mrs. Sul. Mine has all that pleasure to come.
Dor. Mine offered marriage.
Mrs. Sul. O Lard! d' ye call that a moving thing? [475]
Dor. The sharpest arrow in his quiver, my dear sister! Why,
my ten thousand pounds may lie brooding here this seven years, and hatch
nothing at last but some ill-natured clown like yours. Whereas if I marry
my Lord Aimwell, there will be titled, place, and precedence, the Park,
the play, and the drawing-room, splendour, equipage, noise, and flambeaux.—Hey,
my Lady Aimwell's servants there!—Lights, lights to the stairs!—My
Lady Aimwell's coach put forward!—Stand by make room for her
ladyship!—Are not these things moving?—What!
melancholy of a sudden? [487]
Mrs. Sul. Happy, happy sister! your angel has been watchful
for your happiness, whilst mine has slept regardless of his charge. Long
smiling years [91]of
circling joys for you, but not one hour for me! [Weeps.
Dor. Come, my dear, we 'll talk of something else.
Mrs. Sul. O Dorinda! I own myself a woman, full of my sex, a
gentle, generous soul, easy and yielding to soft desires; a spacious
heart, where love and all his train might lodge. And must the fair
apartment of my breast be made a stable for a brute to lie in?
Dor. Meaning your husband, I suppose? [499]
Mrs. Sul. Husband! no; even husband is too soft a name for
him.—But, come, I expect my brother here to-night or to-morrow; he
was abroad when my father married me; perhaps he 'll find a way to make me
easy.
Dor. Will you promise not to make yourself easy in the
meantime with my lord's friend?
Mrs. Sul. You mistake me, sister. It happens with us as
among the men, the greatest talkers are the greatest cowards? and there's
a reason for it; those spirits evaporate in prattle, which might do more
mischief if they took another course.— Though, to confess the truth,
I do love that fellow; —and if I met him dressed as he should be,
and I undressed as I should be—look 'ee, sister, I have no
supernatural gifts—I can't swear I could resist the temptation;
though I can safely promise to avoid it; and that's as much as the best of
us can do.
[Exeunt.
Sir Chas. That's very hard.Squire Sul. Ay, sir; and unless you have pity upon me, and smoke one pipe with me, I must e'en go home to my wife, and I had rather go to the devil by half. Sir Chas. But I presume, sir, you won't see your wife to-night; she 'll be gone to bed. You don't use to lie with your wife in that pickle? Squire Sul. What I not lie with my wife! why, sir, do you take me for an atheist or a rake? [30] Sir Chas. If you hate her, sir, I think you had better lie from her. Squire Sul. I think so too, friend. But I'm a Justice of peace, and must do nothing against the law. Sir Chas. Law! as I take it, Mr. Justice, nobody observes law for law's sake, only for the good of those for whom it was made. Squire Sul. But, if the law orders me to send you to jail you must lie there, my friend. Sir Chas. Not unless I commit a crime to deserve it Squire Sul. A crime? 'oons, an't I martied? [40] [101]Sir Chas. Nay, sir, if you call a marriage a crime, you must disown it for a law. Squire Sul. Eh! I must be acquainted with you, sir.— But, sir, I should be very glad to know the truth of this matter. Sir Chas. Truth, sir, is a profound sea, and few there be that dare wade deep enough to find out the bottom on't. Besides, sir, I 'm afraid the line of your understanding mayn't be long enough. [50] Squire Sul. Look'ee, sir, I have nothing to say to your sea of truth, but, if a good parcel of land can entitle a man to a little truth, I have as much as any He in the country. Bon. I never heard your worship, as the saying is, talk so much before. Squire Sul. Because I never met with a man that I liked before. Bon. Pray, sir, as the saying is, let me ask you one question: are not man and wife one flesh? [60] Sir Chas. You and your wife, Mr. Guts, may be one flesh, because ye are nothing else; but rational creatures have minds that must be united. Squire Sul. Minds! Sir Chas. Ay, minds, sir; don't you think that the mind takes place of the body? Squire Sul. In some people. Sir Chas. Then the interest of the master must be consulted before that of his servant [69] [102]Squire Sul. Sir, you shall dine with me to-morrow!— 'Oons, I always thought that we were naturally one. Sir Chas. Sir, I know that my two hands are naturally one, because they love one another, kiss one another, help one another in all the actions of life; but I could not say so much if they were always at cuffs. Squire Sul. Then 'tis plain that we are two. Sir Chas. Why don't you part with her, sir? Squire Sul. Will you take her, sir? Sir Chas. With all my heart. [79] Squire Sul. You shall have her to-morrow morning, and a venison-pasty into the bargain. Sir Chas. You 'll let me have her fortune too? Squire Sul. Fortune! why, sir, I have no quarrel at her fortune: I only hate the woman, sir, and none but the woman shall go. Sir Chas. But her fortune, sir— Squire Sul. Can you play at whisk, sir? Sir Chas. No, truly, sir. Squire Sul. Nor at all-fours? Sir Chas. Neither. [90] Squire Sul. [Aside.] 'Oons! where was this man bred?— [Aloud.] Burn me, sir! I can't go home, 'tis but two a clock. Sir Chas. For half an hour, sir, if you please; but you must consider 'tis late. Squire Sul. Late! that's the reason I can't go to bed.— Come, sir! [Exeunt. [103]Enter Cherry, runs across the stage, and knocks at Aimwells chamber door. Enter Aimwell in his nightcap and gown. Aim. What's the matter? you tremble, child; you're frighted. [99] Cher. No wonder, sir—But, in short, sir, this very minute a gang of rogues are gone to rob my Lady Bountiful's house. Aim. How! Cher. I dogged 'em to the very door, and left 'em breaking in. Aim. Have you alarmed anybody else with the news? Cher. No, no, sir, I wanted to have discovered the whole plot, and twenty other things, to your man Martin; but I have searched the whole house, and can't find him: where is he? [110] Aim. No matter, child; will you guide me immediately to the house? Cher. With all my heart, sir; my Lady Bountiful is my godmother, and I love Mrs. Dorinda so well— Aim. Dorinda! the name inspires me, the glory and the danger shall be all my own.—Come, my life, let me but get my sword. [Exeunt.
Lilies unfold their white, their fragrant charms, When the warm sun thus darts into their arms.[Runs to her. Mrs. Sul. Ah! [Shrieks. Arch. 'Oons, madam, what d' ye mean? you 'll raise the house. [51] Mrs. Sul. Sir, I 'll wake the dead before I bear this!— What! approach me with the freedom of a keeper! I 'm glad on't, your impudence has cured me. Arch. If this be impudence—[Kneels.] I leave to your partial self; no panting pilgrim, after a tedious, painful voyage, e'er bowed before his saint with more devotion. [58] Mrs. Sul. [Aside.] Now, now, I 'm ruined if he kneels! —[Aloud.] Rise, thou prostrate engineer, not all thy undermining skill shall reach my heart.—Rise, and know I am a woman without my sex; I can love to all the tenderness of wishes, sighs, and tears —but go no farther.—Still, to convince you-that I'm more than woman, I can speak my frailty, confess my weakness even for you, but— Arch. For me! [Going to lay hold on her. Mrs. Sul. Hold, sir! build not upon that; for my most mortal hatred follows if you disobey what I command you now.—Leave me this minute.—[Aside.] If he denies I 'm lost. [71] [107]Arch. Then you 'll promise— Mrs. Sul. Anything another time. Arch. When shall I come? Mrs. Sul. To-morrow—when you will. Arch. Your lips must seal the promise. Mrs. Sul. Psha! Arch. They must! they must! [Kisses her.] —Raptures and paradise!—And why not now, my angel? the time, the place, silence, and secrecy, all conspire. And the now conscious stars have preordained this moment for my happiness. [Takes her in his arms. Mrs. Sul. You will not! cannot, sure! [83] Arch. If the sun rides fast, and disappoints not mortals of to-morrow's dawn, this night shall crown my joys. Mrs. Sul. My sex's pride assist me! Arch. My sex's strength help me! Mrs. Sul. You shall kill me first! Arch. I 'll die with you. [Carrying her off. Mrs. Sul. Thieves! thieves! murder! [91] Enter Scrub in his breeches, and one shoe. Scrub. Thieves! thieves! murder! popery! Arch. Ha! the very timorous stag will kill in rutting time. [Draws, and offers to stab Scrub. Scrub. [Kneeling.] O pray, sir, spare all I have, and take my life! [108]Mrs. Sul. [Holding Archer's hand.] What does the fellow mean? Scrub. O madam, down upon your knees, your marrow-bones! —he 's one of 'em. [100] Arch. Of whom? Scrub. One of the rogues—I beg your pardon, one of the honest gentlemen that just now are broke into the house. Arch. How! Mrs. Sul. I hope you did not come to rob me? Arch. Indeed I did, madam, but I would have taken nothing but what you might ha' spared; but your crying 'Thieves' has waked this dreaming fool, and so he takes 'em for granted. [110] Scrub. Granted! 'tis granted, sir; take all we have. Mrs. Sul. The fellow looks as if he were broke out of Bedlam. Scrub. 'Oons, madam, they 're broke into the house with fire and sword! I saw them, heard them; they 'll be here this minute. Arch. What, thieves! Scrub. Under favour, sir, I think so. Mrs. Sul. What shall we do, sir? Arch. Madam, I wish your ladyship a good night [120] Mrs. Sul. Will you leave me? Arch. Leave you! Lord, madam, did not you command me to be gone just now, upon pain of your immortal hatred? [109]Mrs. Sul. Nay, but pray, sir—— [Takes hold of him. Arch. Ha! ha! ha! now comes my turn to be ravished. —You see now, madam, you must use men one way or other; but take this by the way; good madam, that none but a fool will give you the benefit of his courage, unless you'll take his love along with it. —How are they armed, friend? [131] Scrub. With sword and pistol, sir. Arch. Hush!—I see a dark lantern coming through the gallery—Madam, be assured I will protect you, or lose my life. Mrs. Sul. Your life! no, sir, they can rob me of nothing that I value half so much; therefore now, sir, let me entreat you to be gone. [138] Arch. No, madam, I'll consult my own safety for the sake of yours; I 'll work by stratagem. Have you courage enough to stand the appearance of 'em? Mrs. Sul. Yes, yes, since I have 'scaped your hands, I can face anything. Arch. Come hither, brother Scrub! don't you know me? Scrub. Eh, my dear brother, let me kiss thee. [Kisses Archer. Arch. This way—here—— [Archer and Scrub hide behind the bed. Enter Gibbet, with a dark lantern in one hand, and a pistol in the other. Gib. Ay, ay, this is the chamber, and the lady alone. [110]Mrs. Sul. Who are you, sir? what would you have? d' ye come to rob me? [149] Gib. Rob you! alack a day, madam, I 'm only a younger brother, madam; and so, madam, if you make a noise, I 'll shoot you through the head; but don't be afraid, madam.—[Laying his lantern and pistol upon the table.] These rings, madam; don't be concerned, madam, I have a profound respect for you, madam; your keys, madam; don't be frighted, madam, I 'm the most of a gentleman. —[Searching her pockets.] This necklace, madam; I never was rude to any lady;—I have a veneration —for this necklace— [160] [Here Archer having come round, and seized the pistol takes Gibbet by the collar, trips up his heels, and claps the pistol to his breast. Arch. Hold, profane villain, and take the reward of thy sacrilege! Gib. Oh! pray, sir, don't kill me; I an't prepared. Arch. How many is there of 'em, Scrub? Scrub. Five-and-forty, sir. Arch. Then I must kill the villain, to have him out of the way. Gib. Hold, hold, sir, we are but three, upon my honour. Arch. Scrub, will you undertake to secure him? Scrub. Not I, sir; kill him, kill him! [170] Arch. Run to Gipsy's chamber, there you'll find the doctor; bring him hither presently.—[Exit Scrub, [111]running.] Come, rogue, if you have a short prayer, say it. Gib. Sir, I have no prayer at all; the government has provided a chaplain to say prayers for us on these occasions. Mrs. Sul. Pray, sir, don't kill him: you fright me as much as him. [179] Arch. The dog shall die, madam, for being the occasion of my disappointment.—Sirrah, this moment is your last. Gib. Sir, I 'll give you two hundred pounds to spare my life. Arch. Have you no more, rascal? Gib. Yes, sir, I can command four hundred, but I must reserve two of 'em to save my life at the sessions. Re-enter Scrub and Foigard. Arch. Here, doctor, I suppose Scrub and you between you may manage him. Lay hold of him, doctor. [Foigard lays hold of Gibbet. Gib. What! turned over to the priest already!— Look 'ee, doctor, you come before your time; I an't condemned yet, I thank ye. [192] Foi. Come, my dear joy; I vill secure your body and your shoul too; I vill make you a good catholic, and give you an absolution. Gib. Absolution! can you procure me a pardon, doctor? Foi. No, joy— [112]Gib. Then you and your absolution may to the devil! [199] Arch. Convey him into the cellar, there bind him:— take the pistol, and if he offers to resist, shoot him through the head—and come back to us with all the speed you can. Scrub. Ay, ay, come, doctor, do you hold him fast, and I 'll guard him. [Exit Foigard with Gibbet, Scrub following. Mrs. Sul. But how came the doctor— Arch. In short, madam—[Shrieking without.] 'Sdeath! the rogues are at work with the other ladies—I 'm vexed I parted with the pistol; but I must fly to their assistance.—Will you stay here, madam, or venture yourself with me? [211] Mrs. Sul. [Taking him by the arm.] Oh, with you, dear sir, with you. [Exeunt.
Mr. Martin, [170]
My father being afraid of an impeachment by the
rogues that are taken to-night, is gone off; but if
you can procure him a pardon, he'll make great
discoveries that may be useful to the country. Could I
have met you instead of your master to-night, I would
have delivered myself into your hands, with a sum
that much exceeds that in your strong-box, which I
have sent you, with an assurance to my dear Martin
that I shall ever be his most faithful friend till
death.
CHERRY BONIFACE.
There's a billet-doux for you! As for the father, I think he ought to be
encouraged; and for the daughter—pray, my Lord, persuade your bride
to take her into her service instead of Gipsy. [184]
Aim. I can assure you, madam, your deliverance was owing to
her discovery.
Dor. Your command, my Lord, will do without the obligation.
I 'll take care of her.
Sir Chas. This good company meets opportunely in favour of a
design I have in behalf of my unfortunate sister. I intend to part her
from her husband—gentlemen, will you assist me? [192]
[125]Arch.
Assist you! 'sdeath, who would not?
Count Bel. Assist! garzoon, we all assist!
Enter Squire Sullen.
Squire Sul. What 's all this? They tell me, spouse, that you
had like to have been robbed.
Mrs. Sul. Truly, spouse, I was pretty near it, had not these
two gentlemen interposed.
Squire Sul. How came these gentlemen here?
Mrs. Sul. That's his way of returning thanks, you must know.
[201]
Count Bel. Garzoon, the question be apropos for all dat.
Sir Chas. You promised last night, sir, that you would
deliver your lady to me this morning.
Squire Sul. Humph!
Arch. Humph! what do you mean by humph? Sir, you shall
deliver her—in short, sir, we have saved you and your family; and if
you are not civil, we 'll unbind the rogues, join with 'em, and set fire
to your house. What does the man mean? not part with his wife! [211]
Count Bel. Ay, garzoon, de man no understan common justice.
Mrs. Sul. Hold, gentlemen, all things here must move by
consent, compulsion would spoil us; let my dear and I talk the matter
over, and you shall judge it between us.
[126]Squire
Sul. Let me know first who are to be our judges. Pray, sir, who
are you?
Sir Chas. I am Sir Charles Freeman, come to take away your
wife. [221]
Squire Sul. And you, good sir?
Aim. Thomas, Viscount Aimwell, come to take away your
sister.
Squire Sul. And you, pray, sir?
Arch. Francis Archer, esquire, come——
Squire Sul. To take away my mother, I hope. Gentlemen, you
're heartily welcome; I never met with three more obliging people since I
was born!— And now, my dear, if you please, you shall have the first
word. [231]
Arch. And the last, for five pounds!
Mrs. Sul. Spouse!
Squire Sul. Rib!
Mrs. Sul. How long have we been married?
Squire Sul. By the almanac, fourteen months; but by my
account, fourteen years.
Mrs. Sul. 'Tis thereabout by my reckoning.
Count Bel. Garzoon, their account will agree.
Mrs. Sul. Pray, spouse, what did you marry for? [240]
Squire Sul. To get an heir to my estate.
Sir Chas. And have you succeeded?
Squire Sul. No.
Arch. The condition fails of his side.—Pray, madam,
what did you marry for?
[127]Mrs.
Sul. To support the weakness of my sex by the strength of his, and
to enjoy the pleasures of an agreeable society.
Sir Chas. Are your expectations answered?
Mrs. Sul. No. [250]
Count Bel. A clear case! a clear case!
Sir Chas. What are the bars to your mutual contentment?
Mrs. Sul. In the first place, I can't drink ale with him.
Squire Sul. Nor can I drink tea with her.
Mrs. Sul. I can't hunt with you.
Squire Sul. Nor can I dance with you.
Mrs. Sul. I hate cocking and racing.
Squire Sul. And I abhor ombre and piquet.
Mrs. Sul. Your silence is intolerable.
Squire Sul. Your prating is worse. [260]
Mrs. Sul. Have we not been a perpetual offence to each
other? a gnawing vulture at the heart?
Squire Sul. A frightful goblin to the sight?
Mrs. Sul. A porcupine to the feeling?
Squire Sul. Perpetual wormwood to the taste?
Mrs. Sul. Is there on earth a thing we could agree in?
Squire Sul. Yes—to part.
Mrs. Sul. With all my heart
Squire Sul. Your hand.
Mrs. Sul. Here. [270]
Squire Sul. These hands joined us, these shall part us.
—Away!
Mrs. Sul. North
[128]Squire
Sul. South.
Mrs. Sul. East.
Squire Sul. West—far as the poles asunder.
Count Bel. Begar, the ceremony be vera pretty!
Sir Chas. Now, Mr. Sullen, there wants only my sister's
fortune to make us easy.
Squire Sul. Sir Charles, you love your sister, and I love
her fortune; every one to his fancy. [281]
Arch. Then you won't refund;
Squire Sul. Not a stiver.
Arch. Then I find, madam, you must e'en go to your prison
again.
Count Bel. What is the portion?
Sir Chas. Ten thousand pounds, sir.
Count Bel. Garzoon, I 'll pay it, and she shall go home wid
me. [289]
Arch. Ha! ha! ha! French all over.— Do you know, sir,
what ten thousand pounds English is?
Count Bel. No, begar, not justement.
Arch. Why, sir, 'tis a hundred thousand livres.
Count Bel. A hundre tousand livres! Ah! garzoon, me canno'
do't, your beauties and their fortunes are both too much for me.
Arch. Then I will.—This night's adventure has proved
strangely lucky to us all—for Captain Gibbet in his walk had made
bold, Mr. Sullen, with your study and escritoir, and had taken out all the
writings of your estate, all the articles of marriage with this [129]lady, bills,
bonds, leases, receipts to an infinite value: I took 'em from him, and I
deliver 'em to Sir Charles.
[Gives Sir Charles Freeman a parcel of papers and parchments.
Squire Sul. How, my writings!—my head aches
consumedly.—Well, gentlemen, you shall have her fortune, but I can't
talk. If you have a mind, Sir Charles, to be merry, and celebrate my
sister's wedding and my divorce, you may command my house—but my
head aches consumedly.—Scrub, bring me a dram.
Arch. [To Mrs. Sullen.] Madam, there's a
country dance to the trifle that I sung to-day; your hand, and we'll lead
it up.
Here a Dance.
Twould be hard to guess which of these parties is the better pleased, the
couple joined, or the couple parted; the one rejoicing in hopes of an
untasted happiness, and the other in their deliverance from an experienced
misery. Both happy in their several states we find, Those parted by
consent, and those conjoined. Consent, if mutual, saves the lawyer's fee.
Consent is law enough to set you free.
[Exeunt omnes.
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