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Talk:Eric Anthony Abrahams/GA2

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Reviewer: The Rambling Man (talk · contribs) 20:31, 8 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Comments

• Four para lead seems excessive in an article of this size, per MOS:LEAD.

• I mean, yes it is but I'm just not sure exactly what to cut... Thoughts?

• "Oxford Abrhams was" typo, and comma after Oxford...

• Fixed both

• There's a link for List of presidents of the Oxford Union.

• Linked

• The lead seems to have a lead. The first para seems to be summarising the next three paras...

• I don't think it's uncommon to have the first paragraph give a brief outline of the most notable things a person did and allude to them again in the next two paragraphs.. It's what I did in my FA Fabian Ware, for instance. Is there something you'd specifically cut?

• Is it "director of tourism" or "Director of Toruism"

• de-capped and de-capped Minister of Tourism too.

• "member of the Jamaican Senate (1977) and ... elected to the Jamaican Parliament in 1980, " the Jamaican Senate was part of the Jamaican Parliament??

• house of reps

• "officially for "personal reasons", though the actual reason is unclear. " why speculate here?

• several newspapers have speculated similarly, speculation that has made it into secondary sources such as Bryan 2011

• "against the Gleaner Company, and" overlinked.

• fixed

• "English at the University of the West Indies beginning in 1958. Abrahams graduated in 1961 with a Bachelor of Arts from the University of London." odd transition from UWI to UL, explain?

• added explanatory footnote

• "Illness rendered him unable" what illness?

• Specified

• "and a mediocre student. He was a Rhodes Scholar " these two sentences seem incompatible.

• Yes, they do, but it's what sources such as tuck say...

• Looking into this, based on the selection criteria that were being used when Abrahams was a student, his mediocre academics would likely have been more than made up for by his student leadership, athletics.

• "Oxford,[5][3][6][7] where" four citations (out of order) for one fact?

• Ordered, but the four citations are for the preceding five sentences -- some might still be removable

• "caused him trouble in admission," what does that mean?

• clarified

• "St. Peter's" no full stop in St

• removed

• "debating society, beginning debates" repetitive, and the Oxford Union began debates a lot earlier... I get what you're saying, but rephrase.

• better?

• "elected president" should be explicit and note that presidents of the union served a single-term term.

• added

• "Around 1964 he gave a speaking tour across the Middle East" how did he do that as a student??

• Unfortunately, Tuck gives no more detail, but I wonder if it was connected to the student conference he attended... Of course those dates don't line up, but I just don't know.

• "got the BBC to provide funding" -> "secured funding from the BBC"

• sure

• "speakers[12] like Malcolm X, who" speakers including Malcolm X, who.... [12]"

• done

• "Ambassador of South Africa to the United Kingdom" link? And who was that?
• "worked at the BBC, in " overlnked.

• cut

• "a coup in Ghana" link?

• linked (it's just a redirect atm)

• "interviewing François Duvalier in Haiti" context?

• Sources don't specify

• "London.[16][3][6] Abrahams" ref order.

• done

• "director of tourism" capitalised or not?

• standardized to not

Halfway through the "Political career" section, plenty to be getting on with here. The Rambling Man (Keep wearing the mask...) 20:46, 9 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for comments to date, replied to some-- requested some pages to Tuck for others-- I had it but my access expired Eddie891 ^Talk _Work 13:03, 10 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks The Rambling Man, the above should be handled, with a few questions. I'm not particularly good at writing leads, so sorry for my ineptitude there... Eddie891 ^Talk _Work 12:12, 11 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]