First, I'd like to bring up the disambiguation. Is it common to use the publisher, in this case Square Enix, to disambiguate in these circumstances? Reading the article, it seems SE only had a minor part in the project, seeing as it was cancelled and never even released by SE, so wouldn't it make more sense to disambiguate with (GRIN) instead? Which kind of brings me to my next point: GRIN (company) vs. Grin (company). I know this is kind of beside the point in regard to this review, but if the article title was changed to Fortress (GRIN), I think it would be better to deal with the fact that GRIN should be stylized as Grin on Wikipedia per WP:ALLCAPS. If Bungie isn't located at BUNGiE, then there's no reason to have Grin at GRIN.
Lead
codename --> Should be code name according to its articleY
Ulf Andersson devised --> Director Ulf Andersson devisedY
a spinoff --> a spin-off; and remove the link to spin-off in DevelopmentY
"The game was then reconceived in the recurring Final Fantasy world of Ivalice, and included a judge character and concept art with the stylistic motifs and character designs of Final Fantasy XII, as well as other elements such as chocobos and other recurring creatures from the Final Fantasy series." This is a run-on. Try: GRIN reconceived the game in the recurring Final Fantasy world of Ivalice, and included elements of Final Fantasy XII such as stylistic motifs and character designs; additional elements included chocobos and other recurring creatures from the Final Fantasy series.Y
included a judge character --> Does this need to specifically be stated? It's kind of confusing, and could just as easily be removed.Y
the game's Nordic art style -- I'm having trouble understanding what you mean by Nordic. Is it the way the Nordic countries appear geographically? Does it have to do with Nordic folkloreorNordic mythology? Please clarify, at least with a proper wikilink.Y
"...led by Ulf Andersson" --> "...led by Andersson" (His full name has already been introduced, so Ulf should be removed.)Y
"...and lead character artist Björn Albihn" --> "...and Albihn." (You already said he was the lead character artist two sentences ago, and similar to above, Björn should be removed.)Y
"...for the Japanese company Capcom" -- Why do you only refer to Capcom as a Japanese company, but don't for Square Enix? Either do it for both or neither for consistency.Y
"...appears to have been the central location" --> This seems pretty vague. Is it or isn't it? Who's making the claim that it was the central location, if anyone?
"Planned boss battles included fighting a gargantuan version of the Final Fantasy monster Malboro, by climbing atop it using seaweeds on its back in order to drop bombs in the creature's weak spots." --> A little too much detail; do we need to know how to defeat the boss? This seems more like a gameguide to me.Y
"...divided in at least" --> ...divided into at leastY
"almost a criminal behavior" by Bo Andersson --> ...by Andersson (Bo Andersson was mentioned earlier this paragraph, so it's unnecessary to use his first name again. Also, if we were talking about Ulf, we would have written "by Ulf Andersson", so there should be no confusion to the reader about which Andersson it is.)Y
..."restart their work in order to bring the game's art style" --> "restart their work to bring the game's art style"Y
"GRIN sent Square Enix a picture of one of their own games, Final Fantasy XII" -- This sentence is confusing. I looked in the reference and now I understand, but this sentence has to be rewritten. In fact, this is just one long run-on sentence, and you're misquoting the reference at the end; if you're going to change the quotation, don't use quotes. Try something like: GRIN attempted to change the style to fit more with traditional Final Fantasy game, but still did not receive any positive feedback. In response, GRIN sent Square Enix an image of one of the latter's own games, Final Fantasy XII, and were told that it does not look like a game in Final Fantasy's style.Y
"The founders considered suing, but had run out of money, and after six months of development were forced to stop development on all projects and declare bankruptcy due to Sweden's severe laws against operating businesses under a debt load." -- Another run-on. Try: The founders considered suing, but had run out of money, leading them to stop production on the project after six months of work. Furthermore, GRIN ceased production on all of their other projects and declared bankruptcy due to Sweden's severe laws against operating businesses under a debt load.Y
"and mentioning in a farewell note their "unreleased masterpiece that [they] weren't allowed to finish"." This needs to clarify that it's talking about a different game, since I almost thought it referred to Fortress itself before looking at the reference. In fact, why even mention this? Does it have any significance in relation to Fortress?Y
whereas Bo Andersson claimed --> whereas Andersson claimedY
Aftermath
leaked on the Internet --> leaked onto the InternetY
posted a track of music" --> posted a music trackY
References
I'm concerned about reference 15, [1], which is a forum post. I realize that this is probably Holmsten, but it could just as easily be someone pretending to be him. In short, there's no way to verify it's him, so I believe this reference should be removed.Y
Images
Aside from the FUR concerns I noted above, the caption from the second image should be improved. Is there another way to describe them instead of "placeholder" characters? In any case, the comma between duel and from should be removed.Y
Also could you clarify two points you made; one, you want more gameplay, second, you wanted me to cut the gameplay info, which is probably all that we have in terms of gameplay... could I rephrase it instead? Judgesurreal777 (talk) 06:05, 7 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]
I see your point. Yeah, rephrase that bit about the boss fight. Something like "Planned boss battles included fighting a gargantuan version of the Final Fantasy monster Malboro, where the player would use the seaweed on its back to climb on top of it and drop bombs in the creature's weak spots."--十八06:15, 7 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]
Thanks! That's a lot better. I reread the article about the fairwell letter, and it does seem to be referring to the unnamed unfinished project everyone thinks is Final Fantasy Fortress. Could you take another look and see what you think? Judgesurreal777 (talk) 06:34, 7 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]
The art style of the game was supposed to be realist and Skyrim-like, according to Level designer at Grin Stockholm, Guillaumue Mraz. --> The art style of the game was supposed to be realistic and similar to The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim according to Guillaumue Mraz, a level designer at Grin. (Is that what you meant by "Level designer"? And is Grin Stockholm any different from Grin, which was in Stockholm?)
Delink action RPG in this section, as it's already linked in the lead and infobox.
3D artist Magnus Ihrefors stated that he had only found out about the games cancellation in August, but it was like a "punch in the belly; this was our last chance to get on track again". --> Magnus Ihrefors, one of the 3D artists who worked on the project, stated that he had only found out about the game's cancellation in August, but it was like a "punch in the belly; this was our last chance to get on track again."
and mentioning in a farewell note their "unreleased masterpiece that [they] weren't allowed to finish". --> and in a farewell note referred to Fortress as an "unreleased masterpiece that [they] weren't allowed to finish." (Punctuation goes inside the quotes when quoting a source.)
the franchise was too importance to overlook --> the Final Fantasy franchise was too important to overlook
So what do you think? The article is a quantum leap beyond where it was, with much better writing and a lucky find relating to gameplay, story, and grin's inner workings. Is there anything else? Judgesurreal777 (talk) 09:02, 7 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]
I believe that is it. Great work on this little article. If you would like to take it further to FA, I would recommend a full copyedit, since while the prose is "reasonably well written", I am by no means an expert when it comes to copyediting.--十八09:30, 7 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]
Y
