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This article is or was the subject of a Wiki Education Foundation-supported course assignment. Further details are available on the course page. Student editor(s): Dufferoo. Peer reviewers: LightSkin.Cis.Girl, Rainyflower.
Above undated message substituted from Template:Dashboard.wikiedu.org assignmentbyPrimeBOT (talk) 21:33, 17 January 2022 (UTC)[reply]
Some revisions necessary. “under her belt.” - Reconsider using this phrase as it sounds to colloquial. “Chosen by her classmate, Tor Myhren…” - Consider rewording this sentence for clarity (ex. The subject was chosen by…, etc). “a lacrosse team in a rough urban neighbourhood to play a rich white kids' sport.” - Consider rephrasing this sentence for added clarity, or cite a quote for this. The language used is a bit to colloquial for Wikipedia style and could come off as a value judgement. “Blackfish became a controversial documentary to hit the theaters” - This sentence is awkwardly phrased. I have pointed out a few sentences that you should consider rewording for added clarity and for a more detached tone of voice. Overall, the article is good and it seems like you have put your research to good use. You will want to add links in various places to other Wikipedia pages where you can, for example link to the page for Black Fish, Megan Leavey, the television channels that Cowperthwaite worked for. These additions will strengthen your article overall and make it ready for posting to Wikipedia. Good work!
Batcow39 (talk) 16:43, 21 February 2018 (UTC)[reply]
Very well thought out and organized! There are a few sentences that could perhaps use a little rewording as mentioned in the previous review. Also, a few of the sentences seem a little long and lengthy to read.
ie. "Chosen by her classmate, Tor Myhren, the documentary tells the story of Tor's brother Erik, who at the time was an elementary school teacher that put together a lacrosse team in a rough urban neighbourhood to play a rich white kids' sport."
Maybe break it into two sentences instead. It would also be good to add in the actor or actresses names and link them to their proper Wikia pages (if you have one).
Overall it is a well-researched and informative article, good job!
Rainyflower (talk) 20:34, 26 February 2018 (UTC)[reply]
Hey Dufferoo,
Great start to an article! I would suggest, however, adding a longer introduction so the reader is aware of what is coming and who the filmmaker is. For example, her education, unless otherwise extremely extensive, could go in the opening paragraph.
All of the programs listed could use wiki links to connects to other wiki pages. (I have done this for the first one)
Although the second paragraph has important information, it is slightly confusing and ambiguous.
Don't forget to add your citations before posting to the main space
LightSkin.Cis.Girl (talk) 05:00, 27 February 2018 (UTC)[reply]
